Remembering My May Bee

So much of May reminds me of Anne--the weather, Mother's Day, the blooming flowers--all part of her short time with us. The weather is such that I can almost feel her absent presence. And the blooming iris & bleeding hearts will forever be for her. Three years ago we spent Mother's Day in the NICU, and a couple days later we got to bring her home. May 12th was her homecoming day. I remember feeling so nervous, and so sad that Abigail didn't get to come home with us at all. The chilly spring nights remind me so much of Anne--those middle of the night feedings that I cherished. How I miss holding her bitty warm body. In the midst of my sadness, I've been watching out for butterfly kisses and angel blessings. There have been many bitty white butterflies that have flittered across my path. I like to think of them as kisses from heaven...

Pondering a 3-Year Old's Absence

She would have been three. It's hard to believe it's been three years since my sweet little girl came into my life. April, May & June are for Anne--my sweet little May Bee that didn't get to stay. She was my rainbow of hope after Abigail died. But then she died too and all the colors of the rainbow faded to black.

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It's hard to explain such grief to those who haven't had one child die, let alone two. Having the rainbow baby die on top of a full-term stillbirth is no small thing, and yet how many the people are in my life who brush her off as inconsequential. It's been very difficult to live through.

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Thankfully, I've managed to stay sober (though getting plastered has been a temptation on more than one occasion). I've been riddled with fibromyalgia this last couple of years, so I can't really say that the grief didn't impact my health. My body went into pre-mature menopause, leaving my hormones to fight & struggle within me. I finally had to succumb to anti-depressants just to survive. I owed it to my family to be at least somewhat functioning.

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I would have liked to have been stronger as I walked this road of grieving, but alas a person can only take so much. It's not that I'm entirely against anti-depressants, it's just that they don't really work as good as one would hope. They barely take the edge off, but I suppose that's all I really need for them to do. I can't exactly expect a pill to bring the joy & beauty if my girls back to me. But the pills do help with that chronic wishing for death to overtake me. The medication helps keep in check those dark emotions that keep me from functioning. Heck, I made it through Anne's third birthday, and I'm proud of that.

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I did much better this year than last even though my heart misses her more now than ever before. I never realized what a challenge it would be to stack up so many birthdays in the cemetery. I'm having to come to grips with the fact that cemetery birthdays are all I'll ever get to have of them. It's a rather gruesome prospect to consider; not for the faint of heart.

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Happy Third Birthday, My Sweet TurtleBird

Mama Misses You Madly!