The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

Discussions on grieving infant death & stillbirth; only the strength of the Lord makes it possible to tell the tale...

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Faith in The Light in a World of Storms

I don't even know where to start, and I better make it quick cuz I'm so not well. I need OFF this hormone cycle from hell.

No, I need off this planet that's dead-set & determined to go there...

There was a day not too long ago when we didn't have fancy crystal balls that gave opportunities to see inside the womb. God was a much bigger part of our culture then. Have you noticed that the more technology our society achieves, the more godless we bcome... Yet how can we make appropriate moral decisions without God as our foundation? To be certain, mankind is flailing in the dark without the using of God as our navigational Beacon.

I don't know what's happened to our culture this last generation or so, but we've all but thrown God completely out of the picture.

We've taken creation away from Him and entrusted life's explanation to some mid-19th century athiest who quite frankly, has done no better job of explaining life than Moses did.

We've taken moral Law away from Him and gone off on our own tangent of rules & ethics--ideals that sway with the ever-changing winds of contemporary times & modern technology. Even many who claim to worship God often sway with the cultural times, and lord how they cling to their secular worldview like chewed gum stuck under the pews they occupy.

I'm reminded of serveral of my beloved Old Testament prophets who were equally frustrated with their cultural deteriorization. We're a comfort-seeking nation. We're a generation that doesn't know squat about sacrifice or principles--and we definitely don't know anything about sacrificing for principles. The bumpter sticker is right when it proclaims that, Mean People Suck!

The problem is that more & more people are getting more & more mean as we throw God off to the side as some insignificant idea. Our whole culture has adopted this attitude whereby we think we don't need God in our lives unless He's handing out lotto money or catering to our vacation agenda. To many, God is only allowed to exist if He's going to serve us and bless--gimme gimme gimme.

But what about serving God? What about being a blessing to God? He gives us our lives so that we can give them back to Him. What part of selfish egotist have we not understood as we look in the cultural mirror?

I just want to say that the magicians of modern medicine are NOT all knowing--even their most accurate tests & predictions are often wrong. And they have absolutely ZERO means or methods by which to measure or determine intrauterine suffering. All across this nation, women kill their children daily based on an erroneous assumption that their child may be suffering in utero.

They NEVER stop to consider that the only comfort their baby may ever know in this life is in the warmth of their mother's womb napping to the sound of his/her mother's loving heartbeat.

And yet somehow her drs have convinced her that to rob her child of those brief & precious moments is "better." And Goodness knows that neither the mother nor her doctors ever take time to consider the suffering the child will absolutely endure as it's life is artificially snuffed out apart from God's timing.

And they certainly never stop to consider the very real possibility that the drs are just plain wrong. It's just so disturbing that no one has faith in miracles or God's comfort anymore--all their faith is in technology and the so-called "facts" it produces...

I watched that Bob Woodruff special last night--I was mortified by the fact that an entire team of top notch specialists never once believed he could live, let alone recover. His poor wife had to swim upstream, fighting their medical doom every step of the way. And yet, how wrong those "specialists" were. It distresses me beyond distress that we hand those overpaid, over worshipped magicians all our hope & faith. And in their position of authority, it is their aim for us to put our faith in them--so much so, that we end up having more faith in them than God. And yet what a crappy trade off.

I've heard countless women say they terminated their child's lives because they didn't want him/her to suffer under the plight of diagnoses & prognoses that their drs gave them--how noble. I suppose those countless evil mothers of generations gone-by are to be condemned for torturing their babies who didn't have benefit of prenatal technology or termination. I'll bet Bob Woodruff is glad his wife didn't do the same to him as she faced the impending gloom & doom of his recovery head on.

I'm just completely nauseated by this "pull the plug" idealogy our culture has fallen into--the godlessness that it reflects... truly I am like the weeping prophet, Jeremiah...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

To Be or Not To Be: That is the Question

The rollercoaster of grief is sometimes unnoticable until suddenly you're zooming into an emotional mess that you realize hadn't been there before. It catches you off guard. Someone will say something--seemingly meaningless, but it will change the entire emotional outcome. It's hard to cope with sometimes. It takes practice and you really do have to put your mind to recognizing it before it engulfs you. I can see why they institutionalized folks for "nervous breakdowns" back in the day. And what exactly is a nervous breakdown? I think my life is one long chronic nervous breakdown...

Apparently my sister's coming out from Florida this week. I heard about it through the grapevine. My mother wouldn't tell me important news if she was on fire. It's uncertain if I'll even see my sister seeing as she despises me to the ends of the earth. My other sister is supposed to pick her brain for what it was that I did or said to make her loathe me so. What a mess. I put my head in a box of valentine cards & trinket bells to avoid coping with the hurt of it all. Sending valentines to my friends was a nice distraction from all that befalls me. Truly, I could drown on all my tears...

Came across another termination story today. The plans for termination are in the making even before the tests results are in. What's worse is that the baby could very well end up really delightful--trisomy 21; Down syndrome. I'd love a wonderful little Down's kid--I seem to see them everywhere sometimes. They really are delightful people. But I guess folks only want rocket scientists who can make them proud with their intellectual prowess & urban accomplishments.

And so this family is currently making plans to kill their baby before the news is even back. It makes me really wonder what sort of parents these people would be anyway. I mean seriously, what is their motive for even wanting a child if they're so quick to kill their child the minute the tests come back as potentially problematic? What sort of a parent can claim to love their child unconditionally, and then plan his/her death just because the child may have Down syndrome?

Does this mother not realize that no child is perfect? Does she not realize that so very many Down's children are healthy and remarkably wonderful? that developmental programs abound? Does she not realize what a blessing this child would be to her life? so much love that would come to her through this special child... Does she not recognize the gift God is trying to give her? I don't know what to pray for in terms of the outcome of the test results... either way, the child seems screwed.

Truly I'm on the short list of sane people left on the earth.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!


Monday, February 05, 2007

The Aloneness is Killing Me

OMGoodness, the number of friends who have vanished from my life--I can't even tell you. Real life friends, online friends, other loss friends--poof.

It's just me. I've come to accept it (or at least I'm trying to). My life is just so very sad. Who would want to stick around through it; and how do you fix something that can't be fixed?
I got kicked to the curb by my pro-life group. I made the mistake of expressing myself too forthwrightly, and I got flamed by IM, smacked by email, and publically told off in the group--and then if that wasn't enough there were several sarcastic remarks made in several posts to follow. Talk about being run out of town!. I guess they really can kick you when you're down.
I was shocked that my own grief mattered so little. I was flabbergasted that even in a Christian pro-life group, there was still this prevailing dominance in favor of pro-choice. They made it very clear that I was not to even dare express my angst at the pro-choice movement--I feel kicked & slapped.
I still don't get it. Am I the ONLY one who actually takes offence to pre-term abortion? I guess so. Again, it's just me and what do I know about anything. I can't wait till I'm dead.
People say they care; they claim to be supportive. Words are cheap. I've never been so alone in all my life. Truly it's not possible to be more defeated or more hurting than I am right now.

Beyond Broken

I hurt so bad I could die. Why am I even alive? Truly, I've been to the doors of hell. Will God ever shine His countenance upon me again? I try to wait patiently, but every part of my life is in agony. People commit suicide for less. I'm hanging in there and doing my best.

DH is struggling too. He went rather ape-shit today and smashed a bunch of stuff--him coming apart with stifled anger, and me coming apart in hysterical sobs. We've both endured such heartache and abandonment. I worry for him; he worries for me.

Somehow we managed to find enough energy left in the day to get the girls valentine things taken up to their headstones. I had meant for it to be a peaceful time of togetherness in the warmth of the day. But we didn't get our emotional meltdown finished up until the sun was waning, and by then it was quite cold. We were too exhausted, emotionally & physically, to finish the job--I don't like how they turned out at all, so I have rearranging to do. We brought back the snowman stuff and will finish swapping out the rest tomorrow. In all honesty, I hate the new decor. I wish I'd left the snowflake stuff, but it's too late now.

I'm so weary, fatiqued and encumbered by this overwhelming sense of helpless blackness. I could sob every day for the rest of my life and not get all the tears out that seek to drown me.