Pondering a 3-Year Old's Absence
She would have been three. It's hard to believe it's been three years since my sweet little girl came into my life. April, May & June are for Anne--my sweet little May Bee that didn't get to stay. She was my rainbow of hope after Abigail died. But then she died too and all the colors of the rainbow faded to black.
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It's hard to explain such grief to those who haven't had one child die, let alone two. Having the rainbow baby die on top of a full-term stillbirth is no small thing, and yet how many the people are in my life who brush her off as inconsequential. It's been very difficult to live through.
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Thankfully, I've managed to stay sober (though getting plastered has been a temptation on more than one occasion). I've been riddled with fibromyalgia this last couple of years, so I can't really say that the grief didn't impact my health. My body went into pre-mature menopause, leaving my hormones to fight & struggle within me. I finally had to succumb to anti-depressants just to survive. I owed it to my family to be at least somewhat functioning.
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I would have liked to have been stronger as I walked this road of grieving, but alas a person can only take so much. It's not that I'm entirely against anti-depressants, it's just that they don't really work as good as one would hope. They barely take the edge off, but I suppose that's all I really need for them to do. I can't exactly expect a pill to bring the joy & beauty if my girls back to me. But the pills do help with that chronic wishing for death to overtake me. The medication helps keep in check those dark emotions that keep me from functioning. Heck, I made it through Anne's third birthday, and I'm proud of that.
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I did much better this year than last even though my heart misses her more now than ever before. I never realized what a challenge it would be to stack up so many birthdays in the cemetery. I'm having to come to grips with the fact that cemetery birthdays are all I'll ever get to have of them. It's a rather gruesome prospect to consider; not for the faint of heart.
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Happy Third Birthday, My Sweet TurtleBird
Mama Misses You Madly!
posted by 2QTsInHeaven @ 11:35 AM
2 Comments:
Precious mommy to two little angels.
I do not know you but I believe without a doubt that because of this you look more like Jesus then you did three years ago.
On this Mother's Day I pray that God will bless you with opportunities for His strength to be revealed through you to His glory and for your good!
I thank God that by faith I know He is good, perfect and loving. because if it were not for faith I would doubt and that would grieve Him. As it is He is using your story to increase my faith in Him.
Psalm 33 : 21 In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. 22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
Your strength reveals Him because it is impossible without Him.
Boast in the Lord! He is good!
Tami
These verses reminds me of you...
Psalm 31: 14 But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." ...24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
I ran across your blog because I'm writing about the different perspectives on "The Joy of The Lord". And of coarse blogging about my own :) Anyway, I read your blog as well as your profile, and my heart is broken for you and your family!
You can read more about my story if you would like, but in short, my wife and I have a 5 year old son, and spent 3 years trying to get pregnant again; after much disappointment, we finally got the news of a new baby on the way. But to our dismay in February of 2007 we received the news that our Micah was diagnosed with Hypo-plastic left heart syndrome (half of his heart was not developed) and would die within days of birth or need surgery soon after he was born. So we painfully chose the 3 stage surgery option, and it seemed to be working. Micah was finally at home with us and actually eating and growing for a change! Soon after getting set for his second surgery, out of no where Micah was lifeless in our arms and he was gone. One day he was the poster boy for HLHS and the next day he was gone!
It has been a long year, and with his birthday on the horizon we are filled with many thoughts, memories, and heart-ache! My wife and I have been on the roller coaster of grief for the last year and a half, and it brings so many uncertainties. But one thing that has remained constant in our lives is the love of God. There has also been a lot of learning about God for all of our family, and we have even redefined how we looked at God and how He loves; changed some of our thinking to be a little more realistic and more Christ like, but none the less, we have learned more about God's love and promise to never leave us than ever before. The theme of my life the past two years can be summed up in the David Crowder song, "You Never Let Go". And my wife and I have clung to the fact that through it all Jesus has been with us, holding us up and experiencing the grief along with us; not watching from a far, but He has been a willing participant on this roller coaster ride!
I am glad this year was a different year for you and your family, and I hope your memories of Anne continue to birth healing and restoration for others in similar situations that can cling to the legacy of your beautiful daughter!
www.myspace.com/tonyandshanda
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