The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

Discussions on grieving infant death & stillbirth; only the strength of the Lord makes it possible to tell the tale...

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Where Does The Time Fly?

I'm reading this book. It's very good. I thought it would be trite and full of platitudes, but it's very caring & sensitive. It meets you in your hurting spots without empty pats on the back like you should be holding up better in your faith. It encourages me to persevere in faith rather than shake my fist at God. That's what I've needed. Where are all those countless Christian friends I used to have, and why had none of them given me this book sooner? Why have my friends failed to be the comfort of God? Why have they abandoned me to my lonely anguish? I suppose Jesus would ask the same thing about His own friends, eh? Why indeed?

I hope to read the book again and do some writing on the lessons that have meant a lot to me. I tend to get caught up in pgcy loss support and forget about my other areas of interest. I feel like I've fallen by the way side on so many of my projects. What will happen to me when I've got BSF homework to do? Yikes. I better get my organizational skills tuned up.

Went to the gym today. Ate from my food plan and didn't skip too many meals. I still have a hard time getting all those snacks in. I go for a blood draw on Thursday and then to the dr sometime the first couple weeks in September. I dread my thyroid results. I fear I've been terribly ill and not even known it.

I'm also hoping the rain will chill out a little. It's been so very wet the last many weeks--no like us here in the desert at all.

I've had several good writings that I've posted to my other journal. I should copy them here. I enjoy expressing myself through my writing. I should post more of it here.

Hard to believe the summer's nearly over and autumn is on it's way. I look forward to Abigail weather, and the dormancy of the lawn. I've been feeling rather in the twilight zone lately. The rebuilding of my life is very difficult and very surreal. Sometimes I don't even want to. I don't know what to pray for or who to lean on. I feel abandoned and neglected by everyone I know. Two babies in the ground and nothing to show for it but this decrepit aging body that succumbs to illness faster than I can keep up with it. I hate diabetes. I've not had a period in nearly 65 days. Not good.

Oh well. It's late and time for bed. Brian & I haven't been getting along at all well. We need a vacation in a huge way. I have no idea what to do to make it better. He's a space cadet and I'm hypersensitive. Neither of us pays attention to the needs of the other. Why couldn't the baby have lived? Why didn't we get to keep our stroller buddy? I hate summer and the reminder of her passing. I just want it all to end sometimes.

I've been wicked depressed--especially after starting this new diet. I hate food, I hate eating and even more, I hate trying to plan dull boring meals like boiled egg whites and broiled chicken breast. Ugh. So far I've not had a day without some fashion of cheating, but I've done much better at tightening my diet than I was. Of course the dr won't believe me.

Help me Lord to put one foot in front of the other. Help me get out of bed in the morning. Help me to use my time to its fullest. Help me to be an encouragement to others. Give me what I need to continue on, even if those people I support don't give anything back. Please Lord be my sufficiency. Thank you!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

After Being Absent

Yikes! It's been a while since I got over here. The stupid computer died and I've been terribly distracted. No time for free time writing. I've been bummed about my journal lately too. This gal who means well had to post to every single thing I write. I really don't want all her long-winded responses. Can't I just write my thoughts without her pats on the back? I don't sense that she "gets it" and yet she speaks of herself as if she does. And then I'll find a lot of my writing paraphrased in her own journal. She can't write as well as me, but she seeks to sound very much like me. It bugs for certain.

I was also bugged by a gal in the buddy group who hasn't been by since she came up pg. She had to say she's still around ovusoft and she just had to take a break from us, but any who want to visit her in her journal are welcome. Fuck off. Gosh she bummed me out. I have a feeling she bummed out several gals cuz none of them have responded to her even though she reposted herself. If you don't want to be part of the buddy group, then don't. But don't come in and butt your nose in and tell us you've been enjoying your morning sickness and just can't stand the likes of our grieving. Women.

The computer is nicely restored. I spent a huge chunk of Anne's money that I didn't want to--cried about it for days. I want her account to grow, not buy stupid things like new computers. I just bought a new computer in February 2004--wtf??? They're too expensive to be so disposable! Grrrr.

Anyway, needed to come and vent some buddy group crap. I need to get emails caught up on and letters written. For some reason I'm stuck to the chair and can't get motivated. I need to do another lesson in Isaiah 28 too. Slowly slowly...