Beyond Broken

I hurt so bad I could die. Why am I even alive? Truly, I've been to the doors of hell. Will God ever shine His countenance upon me again? I try to wait patiently, but every part of my life is in agony. People commit suicide for less. I'm hanging in there and doing my best.

DH is struggling too. He went rather ape-shit today and smashed a bunch of stuff--him coming apart with stifled anger, and me coming apart in hysterical sobs. We've both endured such heartache and abandonment. I worry for him; he worries for me.

Somehow we managed to find enough energy left in the day to get the girls valentine things taken up to their headstones. I had meant for it to be a peaceful time of togetherness in the warmth of the day. But we didn't get our emotional meltdown finished up until the sun was waning, and by then it was quite cold. We were too exhausted, emotionally & physically, to finish the job--I don't like how they turned out at all, so I have rearranging to do. We brought back the snowman stuff and will finish swapping out the rest tomorrow. In all honesty, I hate the new decor. I wish I'd left the snowflake stuff, but it's too late now.

I'm so weary, fatiqued and encumbered by this overwhelming sense of helpless blackness. I could sob every day for the rest of my life and not get all the tears out that seek to drown me.