Getting through the Grief

It's been a miserably sad week. It's been a hormonal cycle of events as well, so that doesn't help. I've been so terribly sad--doing lots of grief research and being comforted by the fact that I'm normal. This is life now. I wish upon wishes it was all different.

What's had me agitated today was a conversation my son conveyed to me about his confronting my niece about the family rejection. I'm having to come to grips with the fact that my family is insensitive and clueless. I've got to put on the "all good" mask and pretend like there really isn't any problems between us. Goodness gracious how I'd like to come apart and give them all a piece of my mind--as if my heart hasn't been broken enough. Aaah well. Give it all to God and let Him be the vindicator. Recompense is mine, says the Lord. I just wish they could have their own clueless rosy glasses slapped off their face like I've had mine. In due time. No one can live that clueless for long before Jesus wants you to get real. If she's chosen, then she'll have Him tap on her shoulder in due time. I don't even need to wish it on her cuz it will happen. I just feel so very isolated--the odd man out in my family; no one to relate to. I guess I should feel honored that He singled me out and set me apart. Being set apart by God is a good thing, even if the means He uses really suck!

Other than that, my days have been so stinkin' sad. My heart just yearns to weep and weep. In fact, the days have been many since my last good sob, so I'm in need of one very soon.

I finished reading Mike Frazier's book, "Surviving the Storm." It was very good. I found him through Tyler Perry's video play, "Meet the Browns." Mike Frazier is Tyler Perry's band director. He lost both his parents, 11yo nephew, 2yo daughter and his baby's mama in a flash flood accident back in 1995. I've known his grief; I know it still. I've buried two little girls and there are some days when the whole world is just thick & black. I feel like I've been smothered by a wet soggy carpet. I just hurt all over my body, mind and soul. Such grief is a lifetime of agony, and Heaven can't come fast enough. I was inspired by Mike in that if he can survive then so can I.

It's just a drag that survival is so hard, and that's all it is: "survival." To soar and really enjoy life again seems like a real impossibility. One can only hope. The grief may be too big to heal from here on earth; I'm hip to that. If nothing else, we can cling to the hope of the Rainbow and the life we're promised on the Other Side. The miracle of the whole thing is that I still love the Lord and I'm still persuaded that He loves me. Truly No Thing can separate us from the love that is in Christ Jesus.

And so it is true that His mercy endures forever. I can live with that if that's all I have left to hold onto. He's given me the gift of knowing a very deep definition of what He meant when He said that His grace is sufficient. To have such a gift shared with me is truly the only gift necessary to have in this life.

Thank you Lord. No matter what leprosy should seek to devour me, please don't ever let me be one of the nine who forgot to come back and worship You. Always hold me as the Apple of Your Eye; as the one who came back to thank You. Thank you for forgiving me when I fail.