Missing My Little Junebug
As the heat of June settles in, I feel her in the air. I'm taken back to her 2-month check up when she too had her shots. She didn't even cry. She just had this startled look on her face. I was so proud of her.
We showed her off around the hospital where her pediatrican, obgyn, and NICU family knew her well. And then we took her out to a little neighborhood kitchen for Mexican food when we were done. She sat in her car carrier and dozed while dh and I had dinner.
We stopped at the Walgreen's to pick up a replacement Rx for her heart medicine since hospice had taken the other one. There was also an Rx to help with her constipated tummy.
It was a few moments when I let my guard down, and for a fleeting fragment of time I let myself believe that I got to keep her. To my dismay, only a few hours later she was dead in my arms. It caught us completely off guard. Once again our frail illusions were shattered.
I was such a zombie through the rest of that summer. We've not been back to that neighborhood kitchen since that day--there's been no reason to go all the way across town in that direction.
As the heat of the season starts to bear down, I'm reminded of that
frazzled,
reeling,
exhausted,
overpowering sense of suffocating anguish
--gasping & flailing through the heavy darkness;
--grappling with how I'd make it;
--groaning under such incredible weight of sorrow...
I miss her like crazy--all the coos she made; the beginnings of purposed smiles; and omgosh the grand strides she embarked on as she sought to be in control of her own head. I miss how the crook of my arm would get hot & sweaty from holding her so long--how her unruly hair would get matted and damp.
Yes, she was so very sweet. And I said it the day after she died and I'll say it again, "I have no idea what I'll do without her." I guess I'm still trying to figure that out...
posted by 2QTsInHeaven @ 4:30 PM
1 Comments:
Vickie,
I can certainly relate to all of the memories that are stirred in you during this summer season. I can remember exactly what I was doing this time last year as we braced for the arrival of our son Micah knowing he would need life saving surgery when he finally arrived. We waited with anticipation and fear all mixed together! Weird feelings to say the least! We spent this time waiting in Atlanta where the surgery would be performed and the time seemed to creep slowly day after day. Of coarse this year the feelings are all too familiar, as we wait for the birth of our little girl Jillian. The days are creeping this year, as they did last year, but we are without Micah to make the days more full.
I watch my wife Shanda deal with this hodgepodge of emotions (sadness for Micah's loss and the memories of being pregnant with him this time last year, especially as his birthday approaches, and the emotions of excitement over the arrival of the girl she has always longed for) She is my hero; my wife never seizes to amaze me and I grow fonder of her and her love everyday! I watch her in amazement, and I'm awe stricken at her incredible depth, humility, and strength in a time when most would crumble. Of coarse she would tell you that she owes this strength to God and Him alone, as she has learned that as she embraces her own weakness and inability to conquer these emotions, He then becomes her strength! The Lord is good indeed!
I hope and pray that your memories are always filled with joy mixed in with the grief that is inevitable, but in the end makes us lean harder into God than we ever imagined possible. He will be there; it's His promise to hold us up, never leaving us, and enduring with us! For this I'm eternally grateful to my savior, and my friend Jesus, who came along side of me in my sorrow and grief, picking up the pieces and put me back together again!
Thank you as well for the kind words and encouragement that there is life after death; truly a piece of our family died last year when Micah went home! All of us feel it in different ways and seasons, but together we have learned to embrace the grief, turn to God and ask Him for the strength and grace to go forward!
Grace and Peace
Tony
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