Keeping Christmas is All I Have Left

I've made the house festive in spite of my depressed and defeated mood. I keep Christmas for Abigail's sake. Not only is her birthday during the holiday season, but she is with Jesus celebrating every day. She would want me to know the joy of my faith, even if earth's drudgery often bogs down my heart. I've hurt so much the last -- well, I was going to say the last few weeks, but then it occured to me that those weeks have turned into years. It's been four years just since Abigail moved to heaven. That doesn't even count all the other things in my life's experience that I was already grieving before she ever even came into my life. Much of my life has hurt: phyically, emotionally, mentally; and yes, even spiritually. My love of the Lord helps keep my spirit salved; but to be certain, my mind, body and emotional state has taken a serious beating over the last 45 years of my life.

I wrapped holiday gifts yesterday and today. I made a few gifts and got them ready for the mail. I got all my holiday cards done. I did some online banking. I had a huge fight with dh. I'm quite certain that I'm falling out of love with him. In my sobs, I cried unto God for His help. How bad will it have to get before God finally intervenes?

I hate living my life always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What will be next? There has not been joy in my life since my son was born over 21 years ago. The joy I had when I was pregnant with Abigail was soon replaced with remarkable grief. I anticipated God's showering our lives with something joyous during the course of my pregnancy with Anne. Her death only crushed me into a finer dust.

The state of our family has fallen apart remarkably since the comings and goings of my daughters. I fear that I will only know a life's worth of sorrow & tragedy. I've often said that I am like Jacob who wrestled with God at Peniel; that I will not let Him go until He blesses me.

Do I dare anticipate that He will bless me? Do I really have the nerve to expect Him to bless me? In light of the sorrowed tragedy I've known for so much of my life, I don't know as if I'd recognize a blessing if He gave me one.

Goodness gracious, I've become so weary; spritually and emotional exhausted--and my body has barely survived any of it. What's next, Dear Lord? Please help me through it...