Two Everything's a Season

Was so Abigail season today--have struggled like a beast. I often wonder if I'll make it through the winter and into the season of Anne. I hardly get a chance to catch my breath and there the other one is. Two is too many.

I read posts on the boards--women expressing their anguish over miscarriage. One woman with four living children was in the midst of her very first miscarriage. She likened the experience to "losing a newborn." She was 5wks pg.

Well, if that's how she feels in the midst of a 5wk pgcy with no prior losses and four living children--imagine what I must feel after a lifetime of 2ndary IF, a full term stillbirth and a 2month old infant death. Imagine!

No wonder I feel like a locomotive plowed over me on the rails of life, and then pulled round again for another go. My health fails me such that I fear I will not live through this experience. I'm bailing on the new meds if I'm not feeling better by next week. I've been worried that they're making me much worse. I've never been so insulin resistant, and my asthma has been very scary. My asthma's an autumn thing that I'm convinced helped Abigail die. This season is proving nearly as bad, but not quite--but dear God how "Abigail" it's been today in the midst of this October.

And if my emotional pain isn't bad enough, my physical pain has been beyond rough--if things keep along these lines, I'll be on methodone just to make it through the day--Brian even suggested heroin as an option that would probably work better than anything they've prescribed thus far. I'm doing my best to avoid feeding the pharmaceutical companies--they get rich and I get sicker.

If only God would heal me...