What a Long Strange Week It's Been...

I had a 29-day cycle this go round. That's very good in light of my 77-day cycle I had last time. But this cycle brought with it a deep black depression. I have to keep an eye on that. I need to be able to tell if it's the synthroid (which is supposed to help with my cycles, metabolism, brain chemicals, etc--so it should improve clinical depression as well. I can't have it get worse. I'll definitely have to do antidepressant meds if it gets worse. I'm at the unbearable stage of depression as it is.

I've been holding off on antidepressants for as long as I can. I can't medicate my tears into submission; it's not good for me. Any good shrink would say it's important to work through your grief as naturally as you can bear. I've held off on adding medication cuz I'm very afraid of the very real weight gain, metabolic & libido dysfunction that antidepressants can cause--a decade of Prozac has wrecked havoc with my PCOS health. I'm diabetically disabled as it is. I can't afford to have my health deteriorate further. But I can't afford to go deeper into depression either. I'm in utter agony any way you cut it.

I'm between a rock & a hard spot. I've been begging the Lord to make the medicines to bring healing to my body; to my mind. I cannot have my health deteriorate further than it already has slipped. I cannot bear to go much deeper into the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I'll be in a wheel chair or a casket soon if He doesn't lift me up.

My wrestling with Him has been so hard. He's taken everything. I've been taking stock of my life on this planet. I was overwhelmed in the shower yesterday with the "sins of the father" that plagues my family. My life has passed before my eyes and shown me all the tremendous ways I have been kicked to the curb in this life; the worm; the wretched man that I really am.

My sister and I were discussing the evil that 's been cursed over our family this last generation. God has allowed Satan to have much influence over us. Truly I feel "delivered unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh" as Paul noted to the Corinthians. Yes, in addition to a plethora of extended family relationships, God allowed Satan to have my baby girls and now He allows Satan to have the wellness of my body--I feel like Job for real! He takes me so close to the edge sometimes. I try to trust where He's taking me, but it's so un-nerving. I have no idea how David added to the stanza,

"yea, tho I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death; I will fear no evil--Thy rod & staff comfort me."

Hey, I do my best to submit to the Shepherd's Psalm, but I'll tell ya--the Valley of the Shadow of Death is very scary. Not being "fearful of evil" is REALLY HARD once death has bitten you as closely as it can bite--only by His grace can you get through it. Oh, and let me tell ya--His rod & staff have comforted the hell out of me like a broom & a rolling pin--LOL.

Seriously, God's a funny Guy sometimes. I have no idea where He's taking me or what He wants me to do. Bad people get good things; good people get bad things; no one's really good and everyone deserves worse than they'll EVER get--Hey, on the outward appearances, He gives so much goodness to some and sooo much badness to others,--we drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out God's definition of "justice"--what is "God's Will" or "God's Plan" anyway? What the hell does it all mean??? Who the hell knows. I'm working it out in my study of Romans at BSF.

All I know is that I'm rapidly heading toward a wheel chair if I can't get my PCOS riddled metabolism to reverse it's grip. I pray His healing hand upon my body, my heart and my mind.

Please Lord, you know those damn drs don't know a damn thing about nothing--Pharoah's magicians in a plagued land. Please Lord heal me as you healed Miriam.