Troubled Tuesday

I've decided to make this my place where I can speak without audience; just be myself without worrying about who likes me or approves of my ideas. I've missed Anne terribly today. I enjoyed sitting with the girls at the cemetery after the gym today. I've had such a hard time enjoying my cemetery time now that the lawn & weeds are so horrid. Well, it's the grounds crew that's horrid, and they add to my grief in a huge way. I did get a good sweat at the gym today though. But I've also been chronically pained and desperately tired. I have no will to live and my prayers are weak & shallow. I feel terribly abandoned by God. I wrestle with what it is He wants from me. How does He expect me to heal from this??? I'm beyond broken. I hate that people don't seem to understand that. So I'm trying to figure out how to make my space here just mine; something nice and non-intrusive; something to help me find peace. Maybe I'll open it up for public perusal later, but for now my goal is to try to find some acceptance that my children are dead by writing my musings just for myself. Maybe God will speak to me here and help me find myself again. Please God; will you help me...