The Searing Sorrow

Monday's are always rough. The well of emotions seems to slosh behind my eyes. It wants to spill over, but sometimes getting the crying to start is hard. I'm consumed by so much; I don't even know where to start. I miss her as much now as I did the day she died; it's not possible that nearly a year has lapsed. I want her back with all my heart.

Went back to bed this am after my coffee. Got up at 10:30, did a few chores and dealt with ebay and banking. Went to the girls' and to get water later in the afternoon. Talked with Laurel about our new car and how there's just no excitement or joy in it. It was hard to talk to her and not cry. It's a shit ass time of year for me and the world has moved on into their clueless oblivion. It's just as well, who the hell wants to stick around through my depressing crap. I often don't think I'll live through this at all. I suppose we shall see. Brian wants to go to the gym tomorrow. I hate the gym.

I've been in chronic pain. I avoided pain meds today, but will probably regret it tomorrow. I think it's hormonally related since the swelling is remarkable today and yet it's been manageable for a couple weeks now--until the cycle runs it's course and then I start to swell badly. Go figure.
I'm grieving so much; far more than a classic mid-life crisis. There's
Abigail's death
Anne's death
ill heath,
chronic pain,
age,
disability,
infertility,
abandonment,
empty nest,
do I dare keep going...

there's a whole slew of issues that would take a lifetime of psychotherapy.

Please Lord don't leave me so scourged; please....