The Joy of the Lord is My Strength

Target Is ‘Down’ With Down Syndrome: 5 Things Target Said By Saying Nothing At All

2012-01-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

Target Is ‘Down’ With Down Syndrome: 5 Things Target Said By Saying Nothing At All

2011-10-30T23:16:00.000-06:00

I came across a most wonderful blog (& online shoppe) that I just had to share...
Headcoverings By Devorah

2011-10-15T22:24:00.000-06:00

October is Baby Loss Awareness month
I am the face

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

2010-11-07T18:06:00.001-07:00

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Another Season of Abigail

2010-10-27T13:50:00.003-06:00

For now they doth slumber in cemetery yonder,
Such Treasures In Heaven, our hearts always ponder;
The best Gift of Christmas isn't babe from the womb,
But His promise of Rebirth and His Empty Tomb ♥

October is Baby Loss Awareness Month

2010-10-12T13:22:00.001-06:00

October is Baby Loss Awareness Month

2010-10-11T14:28:00.001-06:00

October is Baby Loss Awareness Month

2010-10-09T21:27:00.003-06:00

In the Throws of April

2010-04-16T23:35:00.000-06:00

Missing My TurtleBird

2010-02-10T12:03:00.002-07:00

click the title to go to Anne's Legacy Page

Standing with Israel

2010-02-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

We Need A Million Bucks & Your Vote Can Help

2010-01-17T18:37:00.001-07:00

Is Your House on Fire, Clark?

2009-12-21T13:49:00.001-07:00

I don't know, Audrey, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

I can't help but think of that line in the classic movie, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, where Beverly DiAngelo's in the kitchen looking for a match to light her cigarette. Her daughter, Audrey, is whining & complaining and DiAngelo responds:

"I don't know Audrey, it's Christmas and we're all in misery!"

For me, it's been a combination of being so stinkin' sick that I really might actually die, and then not having any little ones to make the season sparkly for.

I know that none of us loss moms ever get over our butterfly babies no matter now many siblings may follow, but it's especially hard for those of us without ANY to shop & wrap & get excited for. I mean what sort of crap is it when my only holiday solace is found in finally having gotten my angry, violent, destructive, drunken 23yo out of my house?!

Over the months, the kid has inflicted thousands of dollars damage to our rental house, but then the final straw came when he physcially assaulted me. It took calling 911 to finally get him out. And I'll tell ya, I never in a million zillion years expected that my graduation from motherhood would end up like this!!! I'm nearly 50 and have virtually zero success in parenting or career.

Thankfully, I'm finally able to get a few feet beyond my sick bed, but there's not a decoration in sight cuz I've just been too sick to even think of getting holiday stuff out. Abigail's birthday came & went without being able to take her a single flower or balloon; I've never NOT taken her birthday flowers. I've never NOT got out their nativities & decorated their headstones with all their little Christmas things. I know clueless parents who have never buried their children don't understand my angst, but in my world the cemetery is the only place I get to participate in loving my children. Not being able to even get that done makes me all the sadder.

To be certain, my heart is just a mass of jagged shards thinking that there's no one to have Christmas for or with. My lungs struggle to breathe & my heart strains to beat, and I'm standing on the edge of realizing that you really CAN die of a broken heart.

I don't mean to be such a "Debbie Downer" at such a joyous time as this, but I really had no idea that life could hurt so so very very badly. I guess that's why Jesus came in the first place, so He could grow up and save us from the wretched reality of the grave & to bring salvation into reality.

Nevertheless, as odd as this may sound I'd give anything to go back to those horrid early months after Abigail first died. It was so much easier then & she was so much closer in my reality, and somehow it hurt so much less than it does now. Since then I've added Anne to the grave and lost my son to the demons of drink, drugs & destruction. It's taken a critical toll on home, husband & health.

Anyway, I just needed to say that outloud. I'm hoping that I can express such angst without any chuckleheaded commentary from the peanut gallery. Somehow by the strength of His Spirit I'll muddle thru and tomorrow will be a different day, for truly when I am weak He is strong.

But just for today I just needed to bitch & whine like Audrey, cuz it's Christmas and I'm really really in a lot of misery :**(

Treasures In Heaven

2009-12-03T15:03:00.005-07:00

December 3, 2003 - I went in for what would be my last routine NST monitoring before the baby arrived. Unfortunately, the monitor indicated that Abigail was in marked distress & needed to be delivered immediately. But through a series of incompetent decisions made by bullshit doctors & nurses they sent me home with instruction to return the next day for a followup.

At 39wks 4days gestation, our long-awaited Abigail was pronounced dead in utero at 11:30am December 4, 2003. After 2 days of anguished labor, her lifeless body was delivered at 6:18pm December 6th, and her oh-so-precious body was lain to rest beneath the sod at 3:30pm December 10, 2003.

Eighteen months & a full term pregnancy later, we added Abigail's younger sister, Anne, to the cemetery just kitty corner from where Abigail is buried.

It is with perpetually broken hearts that we watch & wait until The Day of Resurrection when they will come forth from their graves to Newness of Life.

Miss Mia Wallace é uma Ebony!

2009-09-23T22:07:00.003-06:00

Miss Mia Wallace é uma Ebony!, originally uploaded by ***MADAME MIX***.

for some reason at the upload & group links that usually embed with a flickr posting aren't showing up. I want the original poster to get due credit, so her link is here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/madamemix/

if you follow the upload links to Madame Mix's group post, she includes a fun clip from Pulp Fiction; the Youtube link is here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoUEMZnibS8

Pulp Reality

2009-09-23T21:45:00.002-06:00

Mia é fogo!, originally uploaded by ***MADAME MIX***.

I saw this foto in my Blythe group on flickr. It made me think of playing Mafia Wars--entertainment based on gore & power. For me, this Blythe is sorta like my alter ego. She's a mask that portrays the bizarre pulp REALITY that's been the crazy novel of my life. Personally, I'm more the Grosse Point Blank sorta girl. If you've not seen that movie, you absolutely have to.

Anyway, if life hadn't already been wacked enough, I get into this facebook thing a few months ago... oy; it's been like this wacked out class reunion that's taken me back into the fantasy land of my college youth. I'm confronted with redefining who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going as I head toward 50. It's been surreal riding the white water rapids of this crazy mid-life story of mine.

So what can I say but that God has carried me through it as "on eagle's wings." Come visit my facebook fan page at

http://www.artist.to/treasuresinheaven

or follow me @2QTsInHeaven

Truth be told, I've really been missing my treasures in heaven quite a lot the last many days. The seasons are changing;
such bittersweetness;
what astonishing love that somehow seems blighted.
It's rather like an early frost that takes the last remaining rosebuds.

2009-09-13T17:50:00.001-06:00

Almost Full, originally uploaded by Nutz McAlister.

Abigail's Graveyard Rabbit

2009-08-17T19:10:00.001-06:00

Abigail's Graveyard Rabbit, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

I'm part of a cemetery group called Graveyard Rabbits. I think it's wonderful that Abigail has her very own graveyard bunny. He's a sweet little guy that we catch sitting on her grave stone quite frequently.

Sadly, the lovely guara butterfly plant they made us remove. It was rather disheartening since we get so little of our middle child. The blossoms were spectacular, and thankfully I got lots of pix. To say that I hate having my children in the graveyard would be a tremendous understatement. Thanks to the miserable grounds keepers, I've come to loathe summer in a very big way! I can't wait for lawn season to be over.

Thankfully, my boys are doing better--acting more like responsible men than uber jackasses. Ben did a remarkable job passing the ASVAB and drug screen for the Army. But then when it came time for the physical, he didn't do well. They wanted him to drop a few pounds and then they'd re-exam him sometime in October. In all honesty, I was proud that he got that far. Since he was homeschooled they made his minimum score on the ASVAB a 51 whereas regular high school grads only have to score a 30. Ben scored a 59. Plus, I had to put together a whole portfolio of all our educational endeavors/achievements, etc. Talk about a lot of dog & pony tricks. But he passed his exam, got off the drugs, and has actually been working on improving his attitude. Then when the Army put him on hold, he went to Walmart and came home with a job! We're not entirely out of the woods with this kid, but we can at least see daylight again. By the grace of God, we keep on keeping on...

such a sweet girl

2009-06-29T13:55:00.001-06:00

such a sweet girl, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

mama loves you, Sweetie Anne ♥

Anne's Ladybug Day

2009-06-29T13:54:00.001-06:00

Anne's Ladybug Day, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

For Anne's fourth death anniversary--death-iversary--we worked on the dirt path that goes by Anne. We also planted her a new bush since the old one died. And we release a carton of 2000 ladybugs (mostly so they can eat the aphid infestation on Anne's morning glory vines, but also so Abigail's butterfly bush can have some organic pesticides too). There were sooooo many awesomely sweet ladybugs making themselves at home. Good golly I miss my babygirls ♥

Abigail's garden

2009-06-01T14:47:00.001-06:00

Abigail's garden, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

it's only June and already the guara bush is huge and bursting with butterfly blossoms; so very very pretty! And what's better is I took this with my Blackberry--way better camera than my old RAZR ♥

The Wonder of God's Love

2009-06-01T00:58:00.001-06:00

Hang On Sloopy (From 6 ft Away), originally uploaded by thegreatlandoni.

Internet High Five

2009-06-01T00:36:00.001-06:00

Internet High Five, originally uploaded by beans don't burn on the grill.

A Double Rainbow Day

2009-05-31T02:09:00.005-06:00

We had a nice rain storm this afternoon. There was a lovely double rainbow that came of it. Once the torrents stopped, the western sun streamed through the dark clouds like rays of God's glory. It was quite beautiful. I also snapped a bunch of pix of Abigail's butterfly blossoms on her guara plant, but I've not uploaded those yet.

Things are much improved with house & home. I'm proud of Ben's efforts to prepare himself for his upcoming exams. All any of us can do is our best and go from there....

Grief Without End

2009-05-24T14:31:00.003-06:00

pretty in primroses, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

The day's a disaster! As is typical on any given Sunday, I had to ask if dh wouldn't take some time to cuddle with me this morning. He's been as loveless & affectionless as they come, and I'm seriously starved for someone to love me. He was annoyed when I pressed him, and he made it clear that he didn't really want to be tender with me.

I sat on the edge of the bed and asked him if was him or me - it was a simple, non-angry question that I asked quietly & calmly. I just needed to know if it was because of his own inability to be affectionate, or if it was something vile about me. He said it was me.

I asked him why. He had no answer. Naturally, I was crushed - not just because it's the same every Sunday, but because he actually said outloud that he didn't want to be affectionate with me. He made it clear through his annoyed disdain that he'd rather eat nails than kiss me & embrace me.

All I did was ask him to extend some sort of affection to me, and he made it clear that he'd rather go make hotdogs. I tried to press him for what was wrong with me that makes him feel that way, but he walked out leaving me in tears with no answers. He set off to make hotdogs and while he was at it, he smashed all the memorial trinkets I had on the dining table.

The most heart wrenching of all was the statue of the little girl flying a kite that we bought for Abigail shortly after she died. That statue has sat on our dining table as a reminder of Abigail's absent presence for over five years, but now it's smashed--a meaningless pile of rubble. Rather like what's becoming of my 24yr marriage.

Of course, once he left the bedroom to pursue his hotdog breakfast, that made way for our angry, hungover son to involve himself in the conflict--nevermind that he had virtually no knowledge of what had transpired privately between DH & I in our bedroom. Nonetheless, DS felt justified in defending his father's angry tirade while I stood there & sobbed in my partial nakedness.

Ben had been up watching TV (even though he knows the TV's not to be on during the early part of the day). In his lifestyle of defiance, all he needed was one tiny thing to feel justified in attacking me. So the kid got all up in my face and actually called me a goddamd cunt - screaming & spewing rage directly in my face.

All the while, I'm the lone woman out with no one on my side for help or defense. What was really terrible was when his father repeated the name-calling, using the goddamd cunt phrase at me again & again--such savage words for a son & husband to call their mother & wife!

So welcome to Sunday. All I wanted was a good morning kiss or hug or boring pat on the backside from the man whom I've devoted nearly 24 yrs of my life to. I didn't think it was too much to ask for--that he would find love & caring for me on a lazy Sunday morning seemed relatively reasonable. He didn't agree. He smashed my stuff. He called me a goddamd cunt whore and threatened to put me on the street.

Do I dare share that he also took a large full bottle of ketchup and bashed me across the side of the face with it--grabbing it by the neck and swinging it across my face like a baseball bat. Then he hit me again with it over the top of my head. And then he screamed at me & blamed me for getting ketchup everywhere.

I was dazed & dizzy and trying not to fall down, so I didn't even realize what he hit me with until I saw all the ketchup glops. At first I thought I was bleeding and got so very scared. He kept threatening to have me put out on the curb to fend for myself. My son said, "where your fat disabled ass should be."

All I could do was weep & sob--broken & battered and so very ashamed. DS has his Army exams the 15th of June--I'm white knuckling it until then; he's got to get in. But if he fails his entrance exams--God help us all...

Abigail's flowers

2009-05-20T16:23:00.002-06:00

Abigail's flowers, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

Well, hyacinth season is passed. The heat of summer is upon us, and spring is gone for yet another year. Spring has never been a favorite season of mine, and it's even less favored in the shadow of Anne's absence. It's hard not to be continually reminded that she should be here. My heart is quite lonely for my girls.

My son is frantically scrambling to get accepted into the Army. My husband has forgotten I exist--the jackass has become such an asshole and the most loveless affectionless mutherfukker since my stepfather (and the verbal abuse & profanity that spews forth from both son & husband, omg!).

I'm just so deeply & desparingly lonely. I leave notes on Facebook walls only to be ignored. There's not a single pre-Abigail friend left. I have a few post-Anne friends left--gals who I met in varying support groups after I lost Abigail. Most have fallen by the wayside or gotten ultra busy in their new lives.

I grow increasingly debilitated by fibromyalgia, diabetes & arthritis--that second baby burial didn't do any favors to my health. I can't help but feel the world pointing their harsh finger at me. In my inner ear I hear them say, "you brought it on yourself." Maybe so, but for her I'd do anything. It's just that she wasn't supposed to die.

My friends & family weren't supposed to run for the hills either, but I guess stuff happens. I find myself on Twitter a lot trying to find someone--anyone--who might tweet with me. I'm starved for someone to love me & care for me. Oh well.

I guess I'm just remarkably overwhelmed by the isolated heartache. I think of Jesus when He went into the Garden to pray with his friends--friends who slept rather than comforted. Even Jesus said, "can't you even sit with me for an hour?"

I guess if even Jesus' friends couldn't take any take time for Him what makes me think mine would take time for me? What's so anguishing is that no one's even bothered to ask how I'm doing, let alone actually being the Good Samaritan in the aid of my broken life.

Poor me, right?

sakura

2009-04-16T01:14:00.003-06:00

sakura, originally uploaded by ajpscs.

sakura dreamscape

2009-04-16T01:14:00.001-06:00

sakura dreamscape, originally uploaded by ajpscs.

In the midst of misery, God gives me flowers

2009-04-16T01:13:00.001-06:00

early bloomers, originally uploaded by ajpscs.

when SPRING weeps

2009-04-16T01:12:00.001-06:00

when SPRING weeps, originally uploaded by ajpscs.

I've been having a very hard time. There are no more rainbow babies for us, and I've had such a tremendously hard time trying to recover from all we've been through the last five years! My Anne will be 4 in a couple of weeks & I miss her more now than I ever did. No one in real life remembers either of my girls--don't they miss their nieces and granddaughters? apparently not

Anyway, I just needed to share in hopes that someone might understand even a little bit of what a nightmare it's been having to bury two babies back to back. I thought it was a terrible nightmare picking out a casket for Abigail, but no one seems to grasp the added horror of having to turn around & bury the next baby too. My poor body's been through hell & back, and yet so many act like it's no big deal. I just need someone--anyone--to acknowledge that one casket's too many, and two caskets are just way WAY more than a human should ever have to handle. I hurt to the depth of my very being--in every part of my body down deep into the epicenter of my soul :(((

ookanzakura

2009-04-16T01:09:00.003-06:00

ookanzakura, originally uploaded by ajpscs.

somei yoshino

2009-04-16T01:09:00.001-06:00

somei yoshino, originally uploaded by ajpscs.

resting in the blossoms

2009-04-16T01:08:00.001-06:00

resting in the blossoms, originally uploaded by ajpscs.

Abigail's flowers

2009-03-18T01:26:00.001-06:00

Abigail's flowers, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

spring blossoms

2009-03-18T01:25:00.001-06:00

spring blossoms, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

a silly spring afternoon

2009-03-18T01:24:00.001-06:00

DSCN0938, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Izzy for Wear it again Wednesday.

2009-03-18T00:09:00.001-06:00

Izzy for Wear it again Wednesday., originally uploaded by workmana10.

Izzy wears "Everything for the Girl" dress, "Redlolly" pantsuit, "80s Barbie jacket, "Willynillywaterlily" sundae beret, and "Ixtee" shoes.

Puddle

2009-03-17T22:52:00.001-06:00

Puddle, originally uploaded by F l e u r.

Punk'd

2009-03-17T22:36:00.001-06:00

Alice, originally uploaded by tinkerina..

happy st.paddys day!

2009-03-17T22:02:00.001-06:00

happy st.paddys day!, originally uploaded by MorganOrton.

Guinness Chocolate cupcakes with Baileys cream cheese frosting

2009-03-17T21:14:00.001-06:00

Guinness Chocolate cupcakes with Baileys cream cheese frosting, originally uploaded by cakeflower.

More Turtle Sweetness

2009-03-17T21:01:00.001-06:00

ocean_cupcake_tower_turtle_small, originally uploaded by My Artisan Cake Company.

Turtle Sweetness

2009-03-17T20:59:00.001-06:00

ocean_cupcake_tower_babyturle_small, originally uploaded by My Artisan Cake Company.

paddy

2009-03-17T20:57:00.001-06:00

paddy, originally uploaded by DianaEvans.

Top-a da mornin to ya

2009-03-17T20:41:00.001-06:00

Top-a da mornin to ya, originally uploaded by sweetie pies.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Sparkle in her new snood

2009-03-16T16:38:00.001-06:00

Sparkle in her new snood, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

spring blossoms

2009-03-16T16:15:00.001-06:00

spring blossoms, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

spring blossoms

2009-03-16T16:14:00.001-06:00

spring blossoms, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

spring blossoms

2009-03-16T16:13:00.003-06:00

spring blossoms, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

spring blossoms

2009-03-16T16:13:00.001-06:00

spring blossoms, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

Abigail's blooms are in full blossomy beauty. Yesterday was a lovely day for catching some pix and doing a little grass clipping.

Cute

2009-03-04T02:31:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by lulú cupcakes.

RedWineCupcakes

2009-03-04T02:24:00.001-07:00

RedWineCupcakes2, originally uploaded by AshleyFlickr.

RedWineCupcakes

2009-03-04T02:23:00.001-07:00

RedWineCupcakes1, originally uploaded by AshleyFlickr.

Mocha Vanilla Swirl

2009-03-04T02:22:00.001-07:00

Mocha Vanilla Swirl 01Mar09 050, originally uploaded by JavaCupcake.

Coffee cupcake with a Bailey's and vanilla custard in the middle with chocolate buttercream frosting with a chocolate covered espresso bean on top.

Strawberry Cupcake Collage

2009-03-04T02:17:00.001-07:00

Strawberry Cupcake Collage, originally uploaded by Migraine Chick.

purple heart

2009-03-04T02:16:00.001-07:00

purple heart, originally uploaded by droach75.

Lemon Poppy Seed

2009-03-04T02:15:00.004-07:00

Lemon Poppy Seed, originally uploaded by Flour & Sun.

http://flourandsunbakery.typepad.com/

mochchoca cupcake

2009-03-04T02:15:00.003-07:00

mochchoca cupcake, originally uploaded by droach75.

Stars n swirls

2009-03-04T02:14:00.001-07:00

Stars n swirls, originally uploaded by Wonderlander.

Pink Polka Dot Cupcake Dress

2009-03-04T02:12:00.002-07:00

Pink Polka Dot Cupcake Dress, originally uploaded by Jennie Panic.

Cute collard dress with cupcake ribbon. Made from some vintage pink polka dotted fabric.

Check SewJennie on etsy

Tuesday Toppers

2009-03-04T02:10:00.002-07:00

Tuesday Toppers: Cake slice, originally uploaded by jewelsb78(thefrostedcakencookie).

today's topper is a cute little cake slice. www.thefrostedcakencookie.blogspot.com for instructions on how to make it.

Sparkles playing with Abigail

2009-03-03T23:52:00.001-07:00

Sparkles playing with Abigail, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

a fun shot

2009-03-03T23:50:00.003-07:00

a fun shot, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

another

2009-03-03T23:50:00.001-07:00

another, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

annual traditions

2009-03-03T23:31:00.001-07:00

annual traditions, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

Abigail has had her praying girl figurine, teacup and flower teddy since her very first Valentine season back in 2004. That little bear was her very first Cherished Teddy, and the beginning of our outdoor, granite covered relationshiop. She got her metal roses her second year. I pack their things away each season and thus the year revolves.

Anne's bobble snowman

2009-03-03T23:14:00.003-07:00

Anne's bobble snowman, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

J-Anne-uary

2009-03-03T23:14:00.001-07:00

J-Anne-uary, originally uploaded by 2QTsInHeaven.

getting some Flickr uploads done. Haven't yet gotten to February...

Motherhood's Failings - Eve's Curse Upclose & Personal

2009-02-26T13:08:00.004-07:00

It's been such a long time since I've written of my girls. As time moves forward, it gets harder and harder to share them, and even harder to express the various morphologies of grieving. It's become a very lonely and isolated experience. And life had gotten increasingly challenging.

First there's ill-health. That second late in life pregnancy did me no favors by way of physical strength, and to have it end in the grievous strain of yet another death has just wrecked havoc on my body--not to mention the mental/emotional issues. Fibromyalgia, diabetes, menopausal complications that have brought on incredible uterine, cervical and urinary problems--these are the things I struggle with in my daily life. Sadly, neither me or my doctor know where to go from here. We've adjusted medications without favorable outcome. We've tried new medications that proved detrimental. My fear is the reality of an untimely death.

Second there's my grown son. He's chosen alcoholism as his lifestyle, and he's determined to ruin whatever potential he has for a happy & successful life. I have no idea how to help him--or myself for that matter, seeing as I'm the target of his hostility and verbal abuse. I'm doing my best to put things in order so as to put him on the curb, though that makes me feel so guilty and overcome with failure. I can actually see in my mind's eye, my son living under an overpass and taking his meals at a shelter. I've worried that prison might be in his future, or that I might have to also place him in the garden with his sisters.

All I know is that I've got two kids that are dead and the third who's doing his best to join them. I'm consumed with all that I've done or not done that's contributed to their plights. Truly, I have failed at my most important task in life. I've fucked up the only job that truly matters in the world. I failed my daughters to death. And in spite of my life's endeavors to teach & raise up my son to follow in the ways of a godly man, he's instead chosen the way of Cain. I have failed to raise up ONE, why should God have allowed me to raise up more? I am consumed with the depths to which I have failed my children.

So the last many months I have been detrimentally ill in both heart, mind and body. I don't talk about it much for fear of outside judgement--once burned twice shy, ya know. All it takes is a couple of harsh family members or misunderstanding strangers to insinuate that we got what we deserved, and thus the mental & physical illness will prevail. It's hard to keep pressing on toward the goal when you're forgotten at Christmas or birthdays; so so so very hard.

I mean who is there that contemplates what the changing seasons do to me? I finally get through the season of one dead child and it's time to move into the season of yet another. My body is in rebellion as it moves through the barometric changes of early spring. My uterus remembers that it was getting ready for Anne's arrival. The winds and gusty sand storms revive flashbacks of a time when her layette was nearly done, and her presence was very real in our lives. And yet the physical confusion has impacted my very DNA.

My body remembers those early months right after losing Abigail--winter 2004, when all was so very dark and devastated--how long my body milked and ached and yearned for her to come back to me. And so it was that in the winter months of 2005 there was the expectation of Anne's arrival. So there was incredible mourning for one and cautious excitement for the other.

It's all so very numbing & mind boggling--like a deer frozen in the headlights as a train barrels down the canyon of motherhood. On those days when the weather is markedly like April my body goes into a state of havoc that's difficult to describe. The sense of loss is great; such astounding loss--not just for the heart & mind, but for the body as well. There's nothing quite like giving birth to death after a fullterm pregnancy. And then to traverse through yet another full term pregnancy so soon after.... well, let's just say that the dramatic day of Anne's birth will forever impact every aspect of my life.

In veterans of war, professional refer to it as post traumatic stress disorder. I've not been to war, but I have been abandoned by my father as a young child--and thus know the resulting hardships of poverty and self-loathing. I have been beaten by my stepfather as a teen. I have struggled with infertility all my reproductive life. I buried my second born, losing most of what friends I had in the process. And so when the doctors told me that my third child would also inevitably meet with the graveyard, well... let's just say that life handed me a full course meal of post traumatic stress disorder. What had been merely side-dishes in PTSD prior to that, became a full-on regalia for a Queen.

It's made a mess of every single thing in my life. In fact, I would change the ailment to just "traumatic stress disorder"---there's no "post" about it. For me, it's an every day, all the time sort of thing. It doesn't end. It just gets worse and worse.

Oh sure, the girls are dead now, but there's still my first born who has to make sure that the trauma continues on every single day. It's like he's so stinkin' jealous of his sisters and the grief they've brought to us that he too has to add his share of anguish to the parenthood stew.

It's terrible because for the most part, he was always such a good and happy boy. He chose Jesus in his early teens--all of his own volition. He wanted to get baptized but we made him wait until he was really sure. And when he finally did get baptized, it meant so much to him. He'd promised himself to be faithful to his purity and to his heart. I was so proud of his attitude and perspective. He wasn't a great student, but he was fairly attentive and always did his homework. He was mild-mannered and easy going. He made friends easily and was always the playground favorite. Other kids at band, BSF or conference seminars looked up to him, and other parents found him delightful & charming. He really was a wonderful, smart, witty, and compassionate person.

And then the girls stirred up something in him that's just made him awful--mean, hateful, angry, lustful and lewd. He's turned his back on God and shakes his fist at Him as if God is to blame for all his woes. He turned twenty-one and took up excessive alcohol--that's when things really took a turn for the worst.

I can't say it's all the girls' fault. There was the abandonment of family--grandparents that had blown off multitudes of birthdays & Christmases with expressions of marked disdain. The reality of human nature showed itself plainly; and thus he took up offenses, finding himself enraged by those who were supposed to care and provide support. He took up the drink to numb the rage not realizing that the drink only makes the rage more roaring. Prayerfully, the AA meetings will be the net that saves him from himself...

So ultimately, life has sucked and counting what few blessings we have has become mandatory in order to save us from the all-consuming quicksand that seeks to destroy us. I teeter on the window ledge of how to rid myself of my son's toxic alcoholism without making it worse or ruining what's left of my relationship with him. It's a rock and a hard spot. It's lonely and extremely isolating. Few are they who haven't grown weary of hearing about it, and even fewer stick around or provide any real support.

And thus, I don't write about it much anymore. I guess I write about it now because the weather is so very April, and my entire being is consumed with "traumatic stress disorder" - I drown my dismay in Blythe fashion dolls--trying to recapture a childhood that I never got to have. I long for another time--where & when, I don't know. All I know is that I want to be in a time & place whereby my children don't define my failures or successes. There isn't enough therapy or time travel in all the world to transport me to such a place....

Fairy Blossom Princess Cupcakes

2009-02-23T20:31:00.001-07:00

Fairy Blossom Princess Cupcakes, originally uploaded by Bev (SugarBloom Cupcakes).

these are too adorable, and I couldn't help but think of my own fairy princess, AbbieGail...

I thought this design was lovely

2009-02-20T01:08:00.001-07:00

verabradley invite, originally uploaded by mkecupcakequeen.

I praise the talents of they who designed, published and printed it

Cupcake Converse

2009-02-20T01:03:00.001-07:00

Cupcake Birthday Presents, originally uploaded by mkecupcakequeen.

these are awesome! I'm jealous for whoever these are for. Who even knew such a thing was made. I could never wear them for fear of ruining them. My first scuff and I'd be a wreck.

An Irish Car Bomb Cupcake: The Morning After Version

2009-02-20T00:35:00.002-07:00

An Irish Car Bomb Cupcake:The Morning After Version, originally uploaded by mommymack.

The Flickr member writes:

"A moist mocha cupcake with a Irish Creme (w/o the whiskey) Frosting on the bottom and a Peanut Butter Swiss Meringue Butter Creme on top. Garnished with a Milk Dud...yippee! An Irish Carbomb is generally an A Guiness with a shot of Bailey's Irish Creme dropped in. Well I thought about it...what do you drink after a a night of parties? Coffee. So then the Morning After Version was born! "

it's a stunning foto. Visit her fabulous blog, Maman & Gourmond, here

Perfectly Pink

2009-02-18T02:19:00.001-07:00

new girl, originally uploaded by kimtedrow.

Spring Collection

2009-02-18T02:16:00.001-07:00

Spring 2009 all, originally uploaded by kimtedrow.

<3

2009-02-18T01:53:00.001-07:00

Cerise loves Robert , originally uploaded by funky_puppet.

her Cure t-shirt is way too cute!

The End of a Long Draining Day

2009-02-18T01:27:00.001-07:00

Kate's first bath, originally uploaded by lucky billie 84.

Chilly Mornings Are The Best Time

2009-02-18T01:06:00.001-07:00

Chilly Mornings Are The Best Time, originally uploaded by qdpatooties.

sigh

2009-02-18T00:57:00.001-07:00

ring & mary jane, originally uploaded by petitturtle.

No Hype!

2009-02-18T00:54:00.001-07:00

Daisy, originally uploaded by Jennie Panic.

lovely blue eyes

2009-02-18T00:52:00.001-07:00

lovely blue eyes, originally uploaded by simplysewhappy.

Fabulous Custom Lips

2009-02-18T00:51:00.001-07:00

DSC_0217, originally uploaded by funtland.

Too Cute

2009-02-18T00:49:00.001-07:00

☀ For Michele ☀, originally uploaded by miss modular.

Fabulicious!

2009-02-18T00:42:00.001-07:00

mod4.2, originally uploaded by kimtedrow.

Blue copper & Ocean spray

2009-02-17T23:26:00.003-07:00

Blue copper & Ocean spray, originally uploaded by oldmantravels.

Ocean spray & blue copper

2009-02-17T23:25:00.001-07:00

Ocean spray & blue copper, originally uploaded by oldmantravels.

Hairstreak & ocean spray blossoms

2009-02-17T23:24:00.001-07:00

Hairstreak & ocean spray blossoms, originally uploaded by oldmantravels.

Silver-bordered fritillary

2009-02-17T23:23:00.001-07:00

Silver-bordered fritillary, originally uploaded by oldmantravels.

Too Cute

2009-02-08T02:29:00.001-07:00

38/365, originally uploaded by boundbyfashion.

Beautiful

2009-02-08T00:26:00.004-07:00

Click Here to Visit Painting the Day Away...

Nice Colors

2009-02-08T00:06:00.001-07:00

hi there!, originally uploaded by (•-•_pakitroki_•-•).

Snow Girls

2009-02-07T23:51:00.001-07:00

snow19, originally uploaded by WoollyRockers.

so cute; their mama did a wonderful job capturing this shot

One of My Pink Snowflake Sweeties

2009-02-07T20:53:00.006-07:00

I've been getting to know this new Nikon Coolpix that I got before Christmas. My sweet little Minolta just took too many bangs and bumps, and was never quite the same after being repaired.

So I got a new camera, and I've just had the hardest time getting good shots with it. I miss my Abigail camera--that's what I call my old Minolta cuz I bought it shortly after she died (how I wish we'd thought to buy it before she died). I took so many good photos with that camera.

Sadly, this Coolpix seems more about the advertizing hype than actual photo quality (sort of like this new political administration).

Anyway, I uploaded a few to my Flickr just so I wouldn't miss any seasons in the cemetery. The bulbs around the girls' headstones are pushing their way to the surface, so that's a good sign that spring is on its way...

more pix here

My Life of Blythe

2009-02-05T23:00:00.001-07:00

Friendly Freckles has come @Gg!!, originally uploaded by Pon_ne.

I've fallen in love with Blythe dolls, and have been visiting ebay for fashion shoes and such. This isn't my doll or photo, but I did recently purchase one just like her and am awaiting her arrival. I've had quite the day or two dealing with a couple of Hong Kong sellers that have proven quite frustrating. One raised the shipping price AFTER the auction ended--had to call her on that. Then another didn't actually have an item--they found this out AFTER I'd paid them. I won't mention that they got my paypal last week and are just now getting around to packing my order and thus finding out they didn't actually have the inventory. UGH! I've never given negative feedback in all my ebay career, but this one just may pop the cherry!

Nonetheless, I suppose I should be excited about my new dollies to play dress up with. I can't wait to play camera and tea parties wtih them. Even dh has expressed an interest--there's a toy collector in us both.

You Got Your Peanut Butter on My Chocolate!

2009-01-31T01:36:00.001-07:00

Chocolate & Peanut Butter, originally uploaded by pbody.

Valentine's Day Cupcakes

2009-01-31T01:26:00.001-07:00

Valentine's Day cupcakes, originally uploaded by cupcakechicutah.

something comforting yet passionate for the page

Sweet Hearts

2009-01-29T23:58:00.001-07:00

Loretto Heights University at Sunrise

2009-01-29T02:27:00.001-07:00

Loretto Heights University at Sunrise, originally uploaded by lucasg07.

this looks like it was taken from the little park that's behind LHC. The magpies are so awesome over there.

Incredibly Impressive

2009-01-29T02:23:00.001-07:00

096.jpg, originally uploaded by lordnose.

I loved my time at Loretto. I had a few profs influence my life with lasting principles. It was a time in my life when it was about finding me--though I think I was more lost at the end of my career there than I expected.

I wasn't yet a mother or a wife with household and IRS responsibilities. I was on my own in a whole new city. There were no high school friends or siblings to go with me. I was on my own and investing in me. At least that's what I thought I was doing.

Of course, I drank too much, partied too much, and fell in with yahoo's who did the same thing. I think U2 says it best when they exclaim that they still haven't found what they're looking for. I don't know as if we ever will on this side of the Rainbow. There's a part of us that will always be restless and just a little lost.

But in spite of that earthly anxiety, I rest in the same promises of God that motivated the Sisters of Loretto to further themselves in education. The same Spirit who motivated them to climb those blasted stairs every single day of their lives is the same Spirit who prompts me to persevere in similar hardships.

To my astonishment, I found out after I'd studied all that liberal artsy intellectual stuff that it's only the peace of Christ which keeps the heart & mind. I learned that to partake in religious study books and such doesn't necessarily teach the heart about religion or the objective of it. It's the love of God which is shed abroad in our hearts that provides the "aahh-ha" moments - see Romans 5.

I truly loved my time at Loretto, and I would do it all over in a heartbeat. But I kid you not when I say that I've loved studying the bible so much more than any other subject I ever studied on that lovely campus. The information found in the bible has gotten me through the darkest blows of my life. It gave me assurance, comfort, love, and answers to so many "why's" that have befallen my life.

The Quad

2009-01-29T01:53:00.001-07:00

work lol, originally uploaded by indierocknerdgasms.

the back side of the Ad Building coming at it from the NW. We walked back & forth from the dorms multiple times a day from the road where this is taken. Machebeuf Hall where we grubbed three squares is off camera to the right.

Isn't She Lovely?

2009-01-29T01:45:00.001-07:00

2007.05.05.0017, originally uploaded by Future Mrs. Carnahan.